1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
being a writer on Twitter:
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.