is this a threat
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.