“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
These are my roll models.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
#NeverForget
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.