I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?