Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
#TopTip
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”