Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
🤔😂😂
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.