1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Breaking news:
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that