Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
how it started vs how it ended
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
subtitles are so good nowadays
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*