Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”