{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
You Might Also Like
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”