Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Same pineapple, same
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.