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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.