Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard