tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Sponch
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW