#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.