Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Friday
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac