[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Every. Damn. Time.
Tremendous stuff
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money