1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?