@Arrogant_Twat: 1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
@fanofhell: [sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that's never been done before
@pleatedjeans: [spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine