@Arrogant_Twat: 1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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@liv_thatsme: *writes kid's name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
@djdarrellripley: Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal. Her: Why don't you get married? Me: I've never been that hungry.
@TheCiscoKidder: You know you spend too much time with your kids when there's Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
@KimmyMonte: *phone rings* "Yeh hi who's this? Sure he's here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u." "Who is it?" "Drastic Times" *crowd goes wild*