1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.