1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
They grow up so quick
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat