@HuffPostComedy: 10 anti-Valentine's Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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@T_Bonezzz_: My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So I'm gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
@man_spach: My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.
@mommy_cusses: Once upon a time, You weren't listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.