How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.