so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.