Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.