Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Anime is real
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?