10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”