10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
my professor scared me for a second
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.