My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did