One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
he chose this
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.