Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
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“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.