My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*