10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you