10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Who says great literature is dead?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
That’s easy for you to say
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.