[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry…what?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
any last words?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Message from the dog groomers
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say