@leechee420: $10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that'd be a great name for my new baby!"
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@SaraMansford: My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I'm not even the best mom in my house anymore.
@mattmanic: How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers' food?
@JohnLyonTweets: Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g– Me: *sprays insect repellent*
@murrman5: *put cooked chicken in oven* *offer to cook date dinner* *put raw chicken in oven* *immediately pull out cooked chicken* *keep eye contact*