$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
had to make it
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat