@Home_Halfway: "10 Things I Hate About You" is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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@JohnnyCrash5: [First date & I'm super nervous] Her: Are you ok? Me: yesh. Her: did u just say yesh? Me: um Nosh.
@ArfMeasures: [customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it
@Reverend_Scott: And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, "Oh man, you're not gonna believe this."
@heatherlou_: *slips seductively out of shorts* You know what that means... *sleeps soundly for 7 hours* *drools a little*