“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
my lower back watching me try to live my life
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.