10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You Might Also Like
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Great game to play with friends
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer