[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.