10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered