Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Pringles
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!