Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Good morning
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Help Wanted
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire