“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?