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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?