I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*