10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
same energy
The point of your 20s
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?