10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’m Sold!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.