@OrvllShrednbchr: 10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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@GaryJanetti: Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I'm going to mentally leave my body.
@awkwardphilippe: [home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
@lecalabara: For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
@MartaEffing: [sexy time] Me: Let me be your fantasy. Him: It's a Star Wars thing. Me: Say no more. *leaves* *comes back dressed as Yoda*