10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?