10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Dolls on drugs
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Life hack
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying