@MattMcElaney: 10 years ago parents were like "be careful what you put on the web" and we were all "lol. old people." now none of us can ever be President.
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@BerrryDLite: Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend. Me: Thanks but I'd rather not hear about your sex life.
@TheSofiya: which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."
@aneesa_p: Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don't know what the Indian dude is saying either.