@MattMcElaney: 10 years ago parents were like "be careful what you put on the web" and we were all "lol. old people." now none of us can ever be President.
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@scenesfromahat: As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
@murrman5: [ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"