@MattMcElaney: 10 years ago parents were like "be careful what you put on the web" and we were all "lol. old people." now none of us can ever be President.
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@thetigersez: My brother's girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana's ashes, this is the best night of my life
@InternetHippo: everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one me: no
@pattymo: GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
@Reverend_Scott: Trainer: what are your goals? Me: to pet all the dogs Trainer: no, fitness goals Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs