10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]